I hate the rain, and drunks. Here's why

Publish Date: 
Jan 1, 2014
By Rick Fairless

DEAR GRANDMA AND GRANDPA,

I hope everything is going good up there in Heaven. Things are pretty good here in Dallas. I’ve been meaning to ask y’all, do you have rain in Heaven? If you do, does it rain cats and dogs like on Earth -- or maybe up there it rains $100 bills? Are there days where people just stay in bed all day? Or is every day sunny and 75 degrees?

I hate the rain because it absolutely kills my business. It’s crazy how the weather affects the motorcycle business. We’re kinda like a golf course: when it rains, business is very slow. Good weather is a godsend. Lots of bikers won’t get out and ride if them knucklehead weather people are predicting rain, or if it’s too hot or too cold. It doesn’t even have to rain -- the weatherman can screw us just by announcing a small chance for rain.

Nobody likes to ride in the rain but, hey, if you’re gonna ride, then rain is inevitable and at some point you’re gonna get wet, so be prepared. I have good rain gear and a full-face helmet.

I remember what you taught me years ago, Grandpa: “When the rain comes down, so should your speed.” Those were great words from a great man. Whenever it does rain, it puts me in a foul mood, and if it rains on a weekend I get mean and ugly! Grandpa, please ask the Lord to smile on us poor slobs in the motorcycle industry with good weather on the weekends! We’re just trying to scratch out a living down here, and we need all the help the good Lord can send us.

MOTORCYCLES, BEER AND VICE VERSA

Ya know, the best thing I ever did for my Strokers Dallas motorcycle shop was to open my beer joint,  Strokers IceHouse. Actually, it’s not really just a beer joint because we serve all kinds of liquor and some dang good food. It’s more of a bar & grill, but I dig the term “Beer Joint” much better. Our bar business is great, but serving beer and alcohol has its own set of problems. I can spell it out with one word and six lousy letters: D-R-U-N-K-S.

Have I mentioned that I hate a stupid drunk? Some people tell me that they are a “happy drunk” or a “funny drunk.” After owning my bar for nearly 20 years I can truthfully tell you that all drunks are stupid drunks. A motorcycle ain’t no barstool!

Most of my customers are very nice people that I really enjoy talking to -- that is, until they’re drunk. The old saying, “Instant asshole: just add alcohol?”  I can testify that’s 100 percent true.

I’m sorry to cuss, Grandma, but I’m 57 years old and sometimes I have to, especially when it comes to drunks. Most of my customers are swell people who drink responsibly, and I appreciate them very much, but the drunks ruin it for everybody.